We are all told the same story that marriage has its ups and downs and it takes a lot of work to make it last. But, for some reason when it’s finally your time to tie the knot, you still believe your marriage is going to be like the fairy tales and that you are going to live happily ever-after.
One thing I always really believed was that I was going to have the marriage that made it to the finish line. As an adult, through my experiences, I realized that just “making it” is not good enough for me. There are people who are content in marriages that go through the motions, fulfilling one checklist item after the next, finding their identity in their career or their children, and they sleep well at night because they are living the life they were taught to live. I am not one of those people.
Now I committed for better or worse, but so did my husband. That doesn’t mean that we cohabitate in the same household through whatever life wants to bring our way. That means that every day we fight for each other, for happiness, and for love.
A few years ago my Husband and I got caught up in just going through the motions. We were starting to feel like roommates and less like lovers. I loved my husband, believe me, but not all of my buckets were being filled. (I am sure his weren’t either)
Sarah and I went to Vegas for a much needed girl’s trip. One of the nights we went out dancing with some friends, and the next morning I realized that I was enjoying the attention I was getting a little more than I should have. It may have just seemed like a little friendly dancing, but I knew I was looking for validation in the wrong place.
The worst thing you can do in your marriage is to ignore or excuse those feelings. If you do, next time you will find yourself in a worse situation. I came home and shared what happened with my husband and we agreed that neither of us ever wants to be in that situation. So we put in the work to light the flame again and keep it burning, and today it is still shining bright.
If you are feeling like you are stuck at a red light and you need to add a little spice back into your marriage, I have five tips for you.
1. Invest In Your Sexiness
If you’re not feeling sexy the chances are you are sending off that vibe with a big red flair. Hit up the gym for a morning sweat session and pack yourself a healthy lunch. The better your feel about yourself, the more confident you become. Head to Lovers with your girlfriend and pick up a new outfit to surprise him when he gets home from work. Pick out something that makes you feel like the woman you want to be in the bedroom. Go see your hairstylist and have her add some new highlights and freshen up your cut so you want to show it off. When you take the time to invest in yourself he will be happy to reap the benefits.
2. Remember Why You Fell In Love
You chose to spend the rest of your life with this person. Don’t allow the chaos of the everyday life to steel those feelings from you. Sometimes you have to sit down and remind yourself of all of the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Remind yourself of how you love the way his face squints when he laughs, or how the skin on his arm seems to melt in your hand when you touch him, or how he is always the first person his friends call when they are struggling in their own relationship. It is the little things about our significant other that we forget made us fall in love with them in the first place. Don’t forget.
3. Get Into Therapy
Everyone has issues, and we can all work on them. If you want to have a stronger and deeper connection with your husband, therapy is the answer. I had been to therapy on my own after being held at gun point and what I learned was that you cannot prevent life from happening to you, but you can have the tools to help you when it does. My husband and I decided to go to therapy so we would be equipped when tough things came up in our marriage. We have learned to communicate in a way so that we both actually hear each other. Therapy has also helped to strike a passion when our bodies connect because we understand each other so much more deeply.
4. Flirt, Flirt, Flirt
There is no one he wants to hear sexy things from more than you. Tell him how big his bicep is when he is cooking you dinner. Remind him how good his butt looks in his jeans when he is getting ready for work. Show him how much you love his body and every single square inch of it. We all need to be reminded that our partner thinks we look good. When you are out to dinner with friends, touch the inside of his thigh under the table and make him squirm. When you are over your parents for dinner, whisper in his ear how you can’t wait to have him later. Flirt with him like you are two kids in high school again, and make him feel like he is the only man in the room.
5. Schedule Date Night
You should never stop dating your husband. It is so easy to pack your schedule so tight that before you know it the only time you see your man is when your head hits the pillow at night. Date night doesn’t always have to be at a fancy restaurant either, head out to your favorite pub and play some pool, or go see a movie together. It is important to prioritize time alone, just the two of you. Put date night on the calendar, and don’t let anything get in the way. Go to new places and get out of your comfort zone together. Have fun getting dressed up and hitting the town for the night. Everything else can wait for tomorrow.
Your marriage is going to have ups and downs, that is inevitable. What you can control is how big the gaps are in between.
Go get him girlfriend! Share with us the things you think can help spice up a marriage, or advice you have for other woman who may be looking to turn things up a notch.
photo cred: bouboum.net