The anxiousness that S & S shared with you in the last post, “Aviation over Judgment” comes from many years of being away from the comfort of home and being forced to figure shit out when it hits the fan. There was this feeling of judgment and false expectations that increased each time they ventured back home.
The childhood memories for S & S were full of laughter and joy. They were beautiful, flawless, the memories were perfect.
Here you enter the world when everything changed. S & S reach the adult world and the thought of coming home is filled with comfort although it is accompanied by a new, foreign anxiety. As you turn the corner and begin to drive down the cul-de-sac something looks different. S thinks to herself, “the tree branches are darker and the blinds are closed tighter…” She walks through the front door and a chill runs down her spine as she realizes California is not so sunny anymore.
The more you have experienced as an adult typically the earlier you become aware of this change. At some point though, it hits us all, hard fisted, left hook straight in the right side of your face. You are on the ground, your head is pounding, you open your eyes and your vision is blurred and every piece of you hopes this is not reality.
Years begin to pass and as S & S continue to visit their childhood home the sense 0f separation becomes greater. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. Here are two strong, independent women who should be proud of where they are at because of the journey they have walked, and the scars they have made, yet according to others the scars should not be a part of the story and instead locked in the closet. Judgment lingers through the streets as S & S cross the city line. This isn’t Kansas anymore.
As you walk down your childhood hallway in search for the good old days you notice the pictures are slanted, the lighting becomes dim, and you hear a voice that alarms you. Is anybody there? You thought you were here alone… Still frames begin to flash in your mind, the innocent child tint is being removed and you start to see the truth. Reality stares you in the face as you open the closet and you search franticly through the hangers just to find one that doesn’t hold a skeleton. Footsteps carry a light “dunt, dunt, dunt” behind you and you slam the closet door shut. You run out of the room like you are in second place for a marathon, and as you make sure the door is locked you remind yourself to turn around with a smile. It hits you, for the first time you become aware that your gut instinct is to lock the shame away with a key that only you have and you must get rid of it fast. You’re not even sure how they got there in the first place, but you know inside that no one else must find out…
Each time S & S came home to visit more walls went up. They desired to visit friends and family back home and be loved for each new scar but they realized that Pleasantville wasn’t so pleasant anymore. S & S learned quickly how important it was to show face for others. Even the garage sales only displayed the best items, the skeletons remained in the closet.
As S & S turn the corner and see their childhood home, the view is no longer familiar. They pull into the driveway and hesitate to get out of the car because the sight in front of them seems surreal. The trees are cut back, the blinds are wide open, and everything is right there visible in the window…
S & S
S & S