Fourteen weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had decided after 9 years together, 7 of them married- full of unforgettable moments just the two of us that it was time to expand our tribe. We started trying in July and just three months later- BOOM. PREGNANT! (Well… didn’t expect that to happen so fast.)
How exciting, right? I was thrilled- WE’RE HAVING A BABY! All of the initial endurance’s started flowing right in. Figure out the due date. OK, I’m due just a week after my 30th birthday, not exactly how I planned on celebrating, but what could be a better gift? I wonder if it is a boy or a girl? I can’t wait to decorate the nursery. Everyone is going to be so excited. I am going to be so good at this pregnancy thing. This is going to be amazing.
And then you get swarmed with everyone else’s thoughts- Oh it’s such a blessing, I loved being pregnant, it was the greatest time of my life, I didn’t get sick at all, I would do it again today if I could, I loved watching the way my body changed, make sure you enjoy every moment, there’s no greater thing you can do as a woman. People pump up pregnancy so much you would think I would have chomping at the bit a long time ago to join to bandwagon.
Here’s the thing no one tells you- sometimes PREGNANCY SUCKS.
You hear the typical warning signs: your body will change, your hormones will rage, expect to be exhausted all of the time, and oh yeah- there’s actually a laundry list of things you cannot eat, drink, or do. Hey- Congratulations on your pregnancy! (God bless my sweet Grandma who had SEVEN boys in ten years)
Now don’t get me wrong, the opportunity to grow this little miracle inside of me is by far the greatest blessing of my life. And, I am so incredibly grateful to bring a Warrior into this world. But, people lie about pregnancy… It’s not glamorous, it’s not pretty, and it’s absolutely not what I expected.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the REAL internal, everyday struggle with my emotions. Challenges that have thrown me way off course and I am struggling to find my way back to sanity.
I cry because I feel sad and incredibly lonely.
I’m not sleeping well- my nights are full of crazy dreams and bathroom breaks that leave me feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. I’m starting to cry all of the time, and not just crying over feel-good things, I cry because I feel sad and incredibly lonely. I’ve lost weight during my pregnancy and from the outside my appearance hasn’t changed much, but I still feel disgusting. I’m suddenly finding myself comparing myself to other people and I’v never been one who scrolled through my news feed feeling depressed that my life doesn’t look like everyone else’s, until now. And the worst, which I feel incredibly guilty about- I don’t feel connected to the child inside of me. That might be my defense in fear of losing the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, but I still feel guilty.
Last Friday I came home from work, showered and then sat down on my bed and tears began pouring down my cheeks. I just sat there with my head hunched over and I couldn’t stop. Why? Why?
I’m so confused. Here I am growing this incredible miracle in my body and I’m feeling emotions that mimic depression. I know, because I’ve been there, and I never wanted to go back.
My husband has been an incredible support, our friends and family are so excited for us, Sarah and I have been working day-in and day-out to grow our business, we have holiday parties lined up for every weekend in December, January comes with another wedding anniversary and finding out if our little bundle of joy is a boy or girl, the list goes on and on. And I am… unhappy?
I’m so used to being in control of my emotions and facing obstacles as opportunities, but this time there’s someone else involved and right now I’m not feeling like such a Warrior. I’m going to be really honest, and it is not easy to write this- but I trust you. I do this for a living, give support and advice for women who are struggling with real-life issues and this time I don’t have the answer.
What I do know is that I can’t stay here. It’s not healthy for me, my baby or the people I love.
I know as much as I feel alone, I am not alone.
I am an overcomer, and I will overcome this. So I’m laying it all out there because I know as much as I feel alone, I am not alone. And as vulnerable as I feel writing this, because I do know that this is the greatest gift God can bless me with and I am extremely grateful, I am still human and I have always promised to be honest with you. I am inspired because I know I have Warrior sisters out there who have experienced the same feelings I am struggling with, and I know you’re supporting me along the way.
Join me Warrior sisters in the conversation and share your own not-so pretty experiences or share a good laugh!