If you would have asked me five years ago if I would be here now, I would have laughed. My name is Sarah, I am 34 years old, and I am pregnant. What you need to know is that five years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t working, climbing the corporate ladder chasing the money, going out for drinks almost everyday, and to top it off, I was perfectly content in my delusional state of mind thinking I was truly happy.
The ten years prior I had convinced myself and everyone around me that I didn’t want children, I was in no rush to get married, again, and that one day I would secure my spot at the head of a boardroom table.
This was my reality. What I failed to mention before, was that during that decade I divorced a sex addict, jumped into bed with a women, and every other bed for that matter, found comfort in the bottom of a wine bottle, and even worse, my lies and chaos eventually destroyed relationships with friends and family. To say the least, five years was when I hit rock bottom and I didn’t even know it.
If you are anything like me, you can relate to these categories: driven, motivated, independent, strong willed, confident. Sometimes these can also be referred to as selfish, self-centered, abrasive, and relentless. Let’s just say the things that got me ahead in life, were also my biggest pitfalls.
This became my truth. As years went by, I believed these things about myself. They manifested into my life, pouring out in my behaviors and confidence. On the outside I appeared secure and fearless. On the inside I felt ashamed, unworthy, and insecure, not believing I would ever achieve what I really desired. It was easier to be the person who didn’t want certain things in life, than to be the person who wanted it and was reminded why she couldn’t have it. What I always truly wanted was a rock solid marriage and children.
People always assumed that from the time I was little that I didn’t want to have a family. It was quite the opposite, my nickname growing up was “Great Pretender” because I loved to dream about my future and the family I would someday have. All of that changed on the dreadful day that I found out that my soon-to-be husband had been unfaithful our entire relationship. The moment is still so vivid in my mind because it was also the day that all my happily ever after dreams died.
You would have thought that all my dreams would come back and I would be excited for a fresh start and a do over when I finally found the courage to leave my husband. Nope. Quite the opposite. I wouldn’t let my heart or my mind go near that dream again and I was okay with that.
Then God met me right where I was and for the first time I let Him.
There is this song that I love right now called “Reckless love of God” by Cory Asbury.
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
At my rock bottom, buried alongside my dead dreams, God kicked down walls, tore down lies, and He found me.
I still remember the day at 31 years old I got saved right in my car. Dreams were placed back in my heart, joy filled my soul, and my life began to turn around. For so many years I believed that because I had already failed at relationships I wasn’t worthy of successful love, or that I could be entrusted to bring a child into this world. But by the grace of God I eventually realized that wasn’t my truth at all.
Fast forward to today, I am living proof that no matter how bad things get, the poor decisions you make, or the destruction you cause along the way, it will never amount to the Relentless Love of God. And because of Him, I am 34, in love and pregnant. Thank you GOD!