February 14, 2017 11:55PM
To the man who drug me through a field of thorns,
It’s Valentine’s Day and all I have been able to think about all day is how angry I still am. Honestly, I thought I was past it, but being that today is a day filled with Love, and you ripped that from me, everything I brushed away has come back to the surface. It’s late now though, and I’m tired of being angry. So I think for the first time, I’m actually ready to let you go.
I am writing this letter to let you know I forgive you. I forgive you for all of the pain and the hurt you have put me through, and for all of the sleepless nights you’ve caused me. I also want you to know that I’ve finally accepted that despite everything you have done to me, I will never receive an apology from you.
I only realize now how broken you were and how hard it was for me to love you the way you needed me to. It didn’t matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was impossible for you to believe that I really did love you. It was exhausting, I am still exhausted. I felt like a mad person trying to figure out how to make you love me. In the end, you left me with no option, I had to leave for good.
Every time I came back I basically cut myself more, chipping away at myself. The only way I can even describe our entire relationship is in a picture. Every moment felt like we were walking in a field full of thorns, you walking ahead of me completely clothed in armor, me, naked. As we start to run all I can see is you dragging me, my body shifting back and forth between the bushes, cut and bruised along the way. And you, you would come out unscathed, not a single mark on your body. Because I was still protecting you. Protecting you, as you watched me wither away. I thought it was my job to protect you, and sacrifice myself to ensure that you would be ok. The problem was, I forgot to protect myself.
I forgive you for not protecting me.
Even now I wonder why I was never enough. Why you took so much from my soul, and I still wasn’t enough. However, what I do know now, and it’s more clear than ever, I deserved better. It’s taking time, but as I slowly pull the bandages off, I see that I am enough. I will never be dragged through a field of thorns again.
I forgive you for not loving me the way I deserve to be loved, and for not showing me what true love really is. I can’t say I forgive myself, but I am working on that. I hope that you find healing for your pains and learn to at least share the protective armor that you wear before you drag someone else through that field.
I won’t go back to that field, I vow never to visit it again. The fields I visit now are filled with sunshine, green grass and bright yellow sunflowers blowing in the mid-summer breeze.
That’s how I see my future now… bright and endless.
No longer yours,
A survivor xx
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