To the Nice Guy with empty promises,
I feel like it’s important to start this letter with a flashback of our history, my side of the story. We met at the beginning of high school and I knew you liked me, but all I wanted from you was a friendship. You stuck around anyway. You never wavered. And to be honest, I loved having someone around who was always willing to put me first without having to give anything in return.
After graduation I moved away and we never spoke again. To be really honest, I forgot about you, and I assume you forgot about me because we never looked for each other. I had many relationships after that, one that I even fell in love. The funny thing is, he never treated me like you did. Why do women do that? Only let the “good ones” in close enough to be a friend, but we’ll give everything of ourselves to a man who treats us worse than a friend. I was stuck. I had already given him my world, and through his selfishness and addiction he tore mine to pieces. I still wonder why I never thought of you. Why every day when I was caught in this vicious, toxic relationship, I never thought about the nice guy? Why didn’t I remember you then? The way you treated me, the way every woman deserves to be treated by a man.
Maybe it was my own guilt, knowing when I had the chance with you I didn’t take it. But, then everything changed. Eleven years later our paths crossed again.
I’m telling you all of this because I think it’s only fair for me to put everything out there for you. Also, because I still don’t understand what happened. Where we went wrong. I was visiting my friend and I was so nervous to see you again. I was going back home in two days and I had to know. Was it fate? That night when you walked into the bar I knew this was my only chance to rekindle what I never allowed to be there in the first place. You walked up, kissed me on my cheek, and hugged me like I had never been hugged before. I cannot even describe in words what happened to me in that moment. All I could think was maybe I had to experience all of the pain and the heartache, just to get to this very moment. Maybe this is it.
That night was incredible, I’d still like to think you felt the same. As it came to an end you kissed me and it was in that very moment I fell in love. I felt more connected to you than any man I had dated in the last 11 years. It only took twelve hours for me to fall in love with you, just twelve hours. I left to go back to Washington in the morning and my gut ached at the thought of leaving you, but you promised me that we would make it work. You told me you believed we were always supposed to be together, and no matter what was ahead, we would make it. You also told me it was best to keep our relationship private because long distance relationships come with so much judgement and I was like putty in your hands, so I agreed. I should have known right then.
For a while everything was great. We talked on the phone every day and you constantly reassured me that you were committed one hundred percent. Just writing this my heart is breaking even more. Everything was so good. Then I started to worry, as any woman would. We were miles apart and I was falling more in love with you and I was terrified of losing you. So I told you how I was feeling, which I should be able to express my worries without fear of how it would change our relationship, but this time you didn’t reassure me. You told me to take my time, really think about what I wanted, and casually added that you would still be there when I did. The problem was that I was absolutely sure you were the one for me, you were the one I wanted to be with, you were the one I wanted to love forever, and that you were worth the risk.
Over the next few days you were distancing yourself more and more and I knew that my greatest fear in bringing up my feelings was coming true. You told me that what I said to you made you realize that I was probably right and that it was not a good idea to continue our relationship while we lived so far away. That was it. Nothing more, it was over.
You don’t know this but during that time my best friend was no longer speaking to me. I was so madly, head over heals for you and she couldn’t accept that there was someone else in my life. And I let her walk away, that was how much I loved you. You had given me hope in love again. You made me feel like everyone was wrong, there are still amazing men out there. I trusted again, I believed when you told me that you loved me, you actually meant it.
I was wrong. And that’s been eating me alive for months. I’ve lost sleep, I have no appetite, and my world feels like it’s been torn apart. My heart is broken, and I still can’t understand. Maybe it’s one of those, “it’s not you, it’s me.” Maybe this was all so that I would take the time to understand my value and my worth, and to be sure that no man would ever be able to take it from me again.
I’m not writing you this letter looking for an apology, or even pity. I’m writing you this letter because after months of darkness I’ve realized that I’m ready to see the light again. That means I don’t need to understand. I’m writing this letter to tell you that I am no longer going to let you have any piece of my soul. I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m walking away, that you will never see me again, and please don’t ever come looking for me. I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you for the hurt and the pain that you have caused me, for the sleepless nights, and for the insecurities that have crawled back into my bed.
This is my final goodbye.
A woman who will find love again.
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